While attempting to hate the mornings less, I've started waking up earlier to set aside some time for yoga and meditation, accompanied by piping hot tea. At first, waking up earlier in an effort to make myself less tired didn't make much sense, but it's actually kind of working and helping with my morning stress levels.
After the stretching and reflection, but before I start washing my face or squeezing into my dress pants, I sit cross-legged on my bed and read my daily horoscope (because I'm super interesting). My housemate Orey also showed me a Tarot Card app, so I usually look at my ~daily card~ as well.
And today, my daily card was mean as hell:
At first, I was like "YIKES!" because it described one of my worst fears.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, my anxiety will often make me think that those closest to me dislike me or find me annoying. Sometimes it's as though I can hear myself being too silly, or extra excitable, and so I try to hollow out my heart and brain to bring myself down to a level that is a little more chill. After reading the card, my irrational nature began to wonder, Is this a sign? Is this the universe giving me a warning that everyone I love actually can't stand me via a smartphone app?!
After nights of hanging out with friends, especially when alcohol is involved, I often ask my boyfriend if I said anything weird or obnoxious. Was I okay? I panic while pressing my palms to my eyes. Did I say anything offensive or dumb? He always assures me that I was my usual silly self and that whoever I was with will love me even if I did do/say something unsavory.
The over-analyzing often begins with me practicing talking points in my car on the way to see a good friend of many years and ends with me scrolling through text messages from the night before and requesting a play-by-play.
I've always said that it isn't a confidence issue. I have incredible, smart and creative friends and I know that they value me as well. It's always more of a "well, this is how my brain works" issue. But I'm going to turn it into a confidence issue - or uh, hopefully give everyone some confidence by the end of this post.
Whenever I feel that I am not good enough, or doing poorly at my job, my boyfriend suggests that I imagine someone else telling me so. Would you stand for a stranger saying: "You are really awful?" he asks, and well, no, I wouldn't, because I don't actually believe it deep down. Okay, then, he responds, then you know the truth better than anyone. You know these things aren't true, no matter how many times you hear them in your head. Your anxiety is lying to you.
It's sort of like when you complain about your parents, but then someone says something negative about your family and you're like WAIT ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT I WILL LITERALLY FIGHT YOU!
Except in this scenario, you are your family. And you are also the person saying something negative about your family? Okay, maybe this isn't turning out how I thought.
ANYWAY, after the initial shock from reading such a card, I eventually realized "But wait, that's not true at all! How dare you, electronic tarot card? How dare you?" Because in my head, I believe deep down that my high-energy and silliness is a good thing, despite my fears that others will find it irritating. I admire goofiness in other people, and so I do love that part about myself.
Remember once upon a time when I shared that poem about never being "too much"? Oh yeah, that's a theme. No matter what anyone tells you, or how you feel, never cover your shine with dirt, because it's going to show through anyway! Your people will never think you are too much, and who cares about anyone else who does? You weren't meant for them.
And by the way, tarot card, I am leading a writing group tonight and it's going to be fabulous. Don't give me a complex because I don't care what you think! You're not even real! Except I cared enough to write a blog post about it, so I guess I'm not sure where that leaves us. Until next time, tarot card. *I turn a cape and fade into darkness*
Go through the rest of the week loving what you love and embracing every part of yourself. It's the best thing about you.