5 Historical Women Who'd Be Awesome Vampire Slayers

October 28, 2016

Happy Friday, everyone! Halloween is quickly approaching, and I hope you all have spooky plans to fill your weekend. Or maybe you want to eat a bunch of candy and watch the whole Nightmare on Elm Street Franchise by yourself in the dark, while still wearing a costume. No judgment here.

 

The other day, I was casually going through my favorite Reddit sub, which is obviously r/buffy. I obsessively have to read every thread, even if one is silly or I have no interest. I experience a compulsion to click them all, because that's how dedicated I am. A certain thread caught my eye, however, discussing ideas for slayers throughout history. It got me thinking, and I decided to give you my top 5 picks for historical women who'd be awesome vampire slayers.

 

 

1. Harriet Tubman. Okay, I cannot completely take credit for this one. It was actually the first idea on the Reddit thread I mentioned. But holy cow, how amazing would this be? Harriet Tubman, the abolitionist, humanitarian, armed spy for the United States Army, and Vampire Slayer. An American hero who risked her life over and over again to bring slaves to freedom, but slayed vampires and demons along the way. The woman was a strong fighter, inside and out, and would be untouchable with an ax. Just thinking about it gives me chills.

 

2. Annie Oakley. So we've heard about Annie's sharpshooting skills, but what if we gave the girl a crossbow? At five feet tall, Miss Annie Oakley had incredible accuracy and showmanship. She also spent much of her time fighting for women to join the U.S. military. Girl power is definitely a slayer trait. And besides, when traveling the country, and world, you're bound to run into different types of vampires who are just itching to get their hands on a famous exhibition shooter. Uh, Annie Get Your Stake? That's a musical I'd watch.

 

3. Mary Magdalene. Many of you may roll your eyes at the sudden biblical reference--but hear me out. I've always been drawn to Mary Magdalene, for she is seen as a prostitute or promiscuous woman in Western Christianity, yet witnessed Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection. She is mentioned at least 12 times in the four gospels, which is more than any of the apostles. She was obviously super important. There are other regional legends and stories about Saint Mary Magdalene, but I'm going to start a new one: Mary Magdalene, Vampire Slayer. The Gospel of Luke even mentions that seven demons were cast out of her. And what do you think happened to those demons? She SLAYED them. Mary Magdalene, woman of the night, follower of Jesus, and protector of the biblical realm. Have you ever even read Revelation? If any of that goes down, I definitely want Mary Mag by my side.

 

4.  Joan of Arc. Honestly, I'm not convinced that Joan of Arc wasn't a Vampire Slayer. At the age of 17, she led a French army that won many battles liberating French people from English control. Joan of Arc claimed to receive her first vision at 13 years old, while in her father's garden, and continued to get them throughout the rest of her short life. She believed it was God telling her that she would reunite France, and others believed her. If you know anything about slayers, they totally get visions and prophetic dreams. It's just one of the perks. Joan's success and horrific death only further adds to her mysterious story. Who was she? What was she? Obviously, A Vampire Slayer.

 

5. Florence Nightingale. Not only was Florence Nightingale a founder of modern nursing and laid the foundation for the first secular nursing school, but she was also a writer who helped popularize the graphical presentation of statistical data and enjoyed exploring mysticism. For someone so into science and rooted in reality, even The Lady With The Lamp knew there was another world out there. Florence fought for women's rights in the workplace and to abolish prostitution laws, improved the healthcare reform in Britain, and advocated for better hunger relief in India. Who could argue that someone so ambitious and badass wouldn't make an incredible slayer? Can't you picture her running through the streets at night, lantern in hand, skirts billowing while on the heels of a vampire? All I'm saying is, I wouldn't be surprised to find some garlic and holy water in her medical kit.

 

**********

 

So...this was a little harder than I thought it would be. Some honorable mentions would definitely go to: Jackie Kennedy, Sojourner Truth, Eleanor Roosevelt, Amelia Earhart, Cleopatra, and Hildegard of Bingen.

 

Regardless of whatever your weekend brings you, I hope it ~slays.

 

And if anyone is interested in working to write/compose "Annie Get Your Stake", call me.

 

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