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  • Writer's pictureJordan Abbruzzese

The Tale of Pineapple Crotch

Updated: Apr 2, 2020

Ah, we have made it to another weekend, and I hope for most of you that means some time to chill, reflect, and see ones you love (also staying warm if you're being hit by this insane weather).

It's one of those Friday mornings where I am in an excellent mood - I was wide awake before my alarm went off, my makeup is on point, and I packed an Everything Bagel for lunch.

And today, I had a pleasant surprise waiting at my desk: A BB-8 cup with a little straw coming out of the top! My boss recently went to Disney World with her family and attended an exclusive Star Wars dessert party (yeah, I'm jealous too) and decided I would appreciate the cup more than her. It was thoughtful, adorable, and I am like, overly moved by the act of her gifting me this little droid.

So here I am, sitting at my desk, admiring BB-8 and eating a pineapple fruit cup because HEALTH.

Me: Wow, today is great. It is so refreshing to feel happy and at peace with everything.

Fruit cup: *somehow manages to topple over, spilling juice all over my pants and desk chair, meaning there will be inevitable wetness under my ass for hours to come*

Me: .... Well, this is the universe punishing me for being in a good mood! I am not allowed to feel joy!

I went to the kitchen, grabbed paper towels, and attempted to clean up my jeans. The juice ended up soaking more into my pants than the paper towel, and dye from the jeans began coming off instead - which led me to wonder just how acidic this fruit cup was and if I was going to cause permanent damage to my skin from some weird fruit cup juice/cheap denim combo.

I suppose life has balance, I continued thinking, like the BB-8 cup was a good thing, and it had to balance itself out with the fruit cup fiasco. I deserve this, because karma. Because of a cosmic grand design. Or maybe the BB-8 cup is cursed. Should I give it back? How would I explain that it made me spill juice on myself? No, I wasn't drinking from it, it just willed the spill to happen with its sippy-cup mind from afar. Like the Force, yeah. My cup used the Force.

Then I realized it had been about 20 minutes and I was still analyzing why I deserved to spill fruit juice on myself. Also, my crotch smells like pineapple. It's very strong, and not completely unpleasant, but I think people are going to start to notice.

Anyway, I am here to say that I am being IRRATIONAL and have to constantly remind myself that there is ~no universal system for punishment and reward~. Sometimes I am afraid to be happy because I think that if I am not in a constant state of anxiety and panic, something bad will happen. That if I am prepared for horrible news, it will be easier when the time comes.

If this relates to you in any way - stop it!!! LEARN FROM PINEAPPLE CROTCH! It's okay to be happy. When the feeling hits you, catch it and hold it so close and let it know how much you missed it. You can take a vacation from yourself and from your worries, and if you spill a little juice along the way, that's natural. Just roll with it.


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