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  • Writer's pictureJordan Abbruzzese

Dedicated To My Fellow "Not A Morning Person"s

Updated: Apr 2, 2020

After a long, full work week, it is finally Friday. And not just any Friday, but Friday the 13th (dun dun DUN DUN!). Which means there is a flicker of spookiness in the air, and perhaps a twinge of bad luck on our heels, but hey - at least it's the weekend. On this cursed day, I feel anew and fully evolved. I didn't even have that much trouble getting out of bed.

I have been on the same work schedule for a year and a half now. Monday through Friday, 8:00am-4:30pm, waking up at 6:45 each morning and wanting to throw my phone into the wall and cry under my covers. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, and I am slowly waiting for mine to kick in. Because no matter how early I go to sleep, or what kind of "fun routines" I try to create to help kick-start my day, each morning seems a bit more difficult than the last.

I'm aware that this sounds totally dramatic. I used to view those who said "I'm not a morning person" as being a little immature, like welcome to the real world! We work and sleep when our job tells us and if that's the morning, DEAL WITH IT! I associated it with adolescent cycles of staying up later and sleeping in longer. But here is the thing - I'm not even a "night person". It's not like I stay up super late and can't wake up the next day. Oh nay nay, au contraire. I am literally a "I CAN AND WILL SLEEP AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY" type of person. In fact, I prefer the afternoons. When all the world is a productive bustle, I like to be a potato in my bed. Mostly because it's light out, and I'm scared of the dark, so I can actually get a relaxing snooze without worrying about a little ghost child in my closet.

So, anyone who isn't a morning person, I apologize if I've ever judged you. In fact, I am ONE of you. I thought it would get better, but it just hasn't yet. And to be clear, I do wake up every single morning and get to work on time. But dear God, do I hate it. I will stand with you in solidarity. And I will share some moments that truly illustrate how much of a "not a morning person" I am:

The time I woke up and walked right into my bathroom door frame. Not a casual, tired bump, but a full-on smack like I purposely meant to walk into that door frame as hard and violently as I could.

The time I picked up my razor and almost used it as a toothbrush. This lasted about ten seconds before I realized that I was not in fact holding a toothbrush, but small knives on a stick.

Speaking of razors, the time that I shaved under my arms and decided that a towel was not sufficient enough to dry the water away. I was cold, and I needed more. So I stumbled, water dripping down my sides, to find the space heater that had been running all night. I lifted it up to blow under my armpits like a hand dryer. Except my tired little hands had bad aim, and I swung the space heater right into my chest (oh yeah, I was shirtless) BURNING my nipple. I seriously took a space heater to the nipple, folks.

The time I had makeup smeared under my eyes and needed to wipe it off before washing my face, so I reached for a baby wipe but realized I had a bleach wipe instead when I brought it up to my face. The baby wipes and bleach wipes are in completely different containers and locations in my bathroom. There was no excuse for this, except that my subconscious hates mornings so much that it wanted me to put bleach in my eyes.

The time I was sleepy and convinced that my curling iron wasn't working (although it was working perfectly fine and it was ON) so I straight-up touched it just to see if it was hot, like a total sociopath. In case you were curious, IT WAS.

The time I didn't fully put the lid on the plastic bottle housing my breakfast smoothie and decided (for whatever reason) to fling myself out the front door, swinging all appendages like I was a damn cast member of Singing in the Rain. The smoothie, of course, flew out of the bottle and landed on my cardigan, in my hair hair, and on the ground. There was some left, so I saved it and did the best I could to wipe the rest up with napkins in my car. Ultimately, I didn't feel like changing, so I went to work with dried smoothie on my clothes like it was a normal thing to do.

And let me remind you that again, it has only been a year and a half. There are probably other silly and embarrassing things that have happened that I either forced myself to forget or simply don't remember because I was in fact, too tired.

At least I get to sleep in tomorrow. But you know how that works - getting excited to sleep in and then waking up at 8:00 am feeling like Cinderella when all of the birds and mice come in to help her clean and sew. Like you could sing, dance, cook, and create a gown for the prince's ball before 10:00 o'clock rolls around. Where is that energy during the work week?

Have a happy Friday, party people. Enjoy yourselves, but be restful if you need it. And whatever you do, keep your nipples away from hot objects at all costs.



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