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  • Writer's pictureJordan Abbruzzese

How To Survive A Chainsaw Massacre

Updated: Apr 2, 2020

Last night was a sleepless one as I lay awake listening to the soft hum of my space heater. I was twisted up in my electric blanket, basked in the glow of my retro lamp that I found at an antique store. The shade is a light blue with dusts of clouds and small birds flying through the supposed sky. I felt a bit too eerie to sleep in complete darkness after just watching the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was not frightened while watching the film, because it was a bit silly and I tend to have sociopathic tendencies when watching gore. (No, really, the fact that I don't close my eyes when someone is being chainsawed in half is alarming, right?)

Only slightly kidding.

Anyway, what was particularly troubling me was the buzzing "What if?" that I could not shake. I had realized that I did not lock my door, and it would not withstand a chainsaw even if I had. The windows in my room are also practically painted shut, and take extra effort to open. By trying to fall asleep and ignore the inevitable, I was doing myself a complete injustice by not having an escape plan.

How To Escape From A Chainsaw Massacre

Step One: Know the familiar sounds of your home. Become acquainted with the creaks and cracks that the floors and walls naturally make on their own. This way, if you hear something that resembles a chainsaw, you know that it is not one of your housemates making a midnight smoothie.

Step Two: Grab your phone and call for help. This tends to be something that people forget to do, especially in horror films.

Step Three: While doing the above, lock your door, just to buy you some extra time.

Step Four: Open your window. If you are having difficulties, find a blunt object to aide you. This is where bedside baseball bats come in handy. I have also considered a large piggy bank, hefty picture frame, or trusty antique lamps to be efficient candidates.

Step Five: Once your window is open, look around to make sure that the attacker is not still outside. Then make your way to the ground as carefully as possible. It is a good chance that you will survive the fall/jump with minimal injuries. If you are in a third story room or higher, you might want to consider installing a slide. It seems both practical, and constructing it can be a fun bonding experience for you and a loved one.

Step Six: As soon as your feet hit the ground, run as fast as you can to the nearest house or safe area. It would probably be a good idea to map out your options beforehand. Try not to fall as you are running, and do not scream. Screaming helps no one.

Step Seven (alternative to previous steps if you do not have a window): Look around you. Do you have a closet that would be fit for hiding? If you are a loud breather, this might not be the best option for you. Is there an accessible attic door in your room or very near by? The attic could be a prime hiding spot if you can pull it off. Plus, if you phoned for help, (Step Two) then hopefully the police will be on their way.

Step Eight: If met face to face with your chainsaw wielding crazy person, remain calm. Tell him that you are actually his cousin and that you love him. This seemed to work in the movie. He will then feel as though he has to protect you. If this only angers or confuses him, take off running. One can only run so fast carrying a chainsaw. Emphasis on tips from earlier: falling or screaming will not help you. Running in a zig-zag fashion might also be beneficiary, for this fellow is top-heavy. He will eventually tire or give up, and you will be in a safe spot (because you checked your safe-spot map, right?)

After fully going through these steps and possibilities, I realized that it was 6:30 am. I had gone to bed around 2:00 am.


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